Retox Store

History's Greatest Tales as Told by Drunk People

10/8/08 Retox Investment Tips

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG
one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of
shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But,
if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the
beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will
have received a $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment
plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 40-Keg. A recent
study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41
miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be an American.

8/19/08 Lovely Day for a Guinness...Share with your friends.

Click the image. What a grand commercial.

7/24/08 Bernie Brewer "Who Wants a Mustache Ride?" Shirt

Here's the shirt we made for 2008. A subtle follow-up to the ,82 Brew Crew Mustache roster we put out last year. If you'd like one, simply send an email with quantity and size. 


There is nothing more sacred than sick airbrushing on motor vehicles. Fuckin A.


What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.

I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think
I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial

PostingID: 432279810


Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"

as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.

Classic "pump and dump."

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.

8/21/07 Jumbo-Tron-Joel

That's right, Joel managed to get picked for a trivia question at the Brewer game last Tuesday. He won a free bat AND got to show off the Brew Crew Mustache shirt, which he proudly showed the entire stadium. Interestingly enough, it was a game that had several '82 Brewers in attendance. Way to go Joel!

Check out all the photos they took during his time as Jumbo-Tron-Joel

8/14/07 The monthly update!

Nothing to see here really, I just realized that the piece of shit site only gets updated once a month on the 14th. Odd. Just as odd as Snuffy humping Geoff and Carolyn's cat. Get some.

7/14/07 Mustachio Bashio Tailgate?

Did you all forget? Somewhat of a shotty response from folks coming through for the tailgate last night. Still a damn fine time, but I expected a much bigger turn out. So under twenty of us were forced to kill a half barrell on our own. That's fine though, right?  The 'tache shirts were a huge success and cats were begging us to sell them one. We would have been glad to oblige, howevere, the bike cops were swarming us the entire evening after they witnessed the boxes of T's. Apparently the can and will confiscate any product being sold at games. So whatever. They're even more elite now, right? Right.

6/14/07 Here's to the People's Bartender!

Check out our girl, Kristine getting some press for being such a solid tender and all around great girl...Seriously, the drinks she pours cannot be beat. Finally some recognition. There should be an award for the good deeds done by quality folks in this trade. 

6/9/07: Brew Crew Stickin' it to You T-SHIRTS

That's right folks, a T shirt to celebrate the facial hair of the great '82 Brewers. We're going to throw a tailgate party on Friday July 13th for the Brewers Vs. Rockies game. I'm not sure if we're even actually going to the game, but we're going to throw one hell of a tailgate party. Come one, come all!

4/28/07: Pray for Me 5/19/07 The Jason Jessee Film

If you ever check this website, then you are required to attend this film. I need full support in putting this out there. REQUIRED

4/6/07 Good Friday, eh?

So it was good because Mr. Jesus was killed?  I've had better days than that and labled them as shit-ass days. I'm a constant whiner to boot, so maybe the message is to be more positive. "Hey, I know you lost your job and your girl left you, but shit, you didn't get crucified today, now did ya? Quit yer bitchin, jack!" I don't get it. I don't get this skateboard either, but I like it. Have a great good friday, a super saturday and a hap-hap-happy easter. cheers! 

3.29.07 Brobel is Home Safely

Yes, we recovered him at the Dust Bowl event last weekend. The kidnappers put up quite the fight, but he is back with his rightful owner.

It was quite the event. A goot time was had by all. There were a number of mentors missing from attendance, however, a think there were a few recruits to compensate.

Check the PICS!

3.15.07 It's Getting Serious

Apparently it was not Freeway. His Alibi is that he was out lurking with Pepperoni Cannoli after he visited us at the loge. And it checks out. They were seen at Victors together. Shit. I think they mean business at this point. I'm trying my hardest to catch a reflection off of the glass of the tank, but I can't make out a thing. It's like one of those damn magic eye puzzles. argggh Any guesses. Come on folks.

Today's message from the nappers...

YoUR thOuGHt ProCesS is A gOod oNe, hOwEVer yOu aRE morE ThAn A FReEwaY aWay
fROm tHe ReAl CulPRit. wiTh aS much hELp AS yOU arE gETTing On THIs
INveStiGAtion i EXPEcted BetteR gueSSes OUT of YOu. i ALso bElIEve YOU aRe
Up To sOMethinG...pOssiBly YOu arE hOldiNG baCk whO you REally KNow WE are
foR reLAtiation AGainST oUR REgieMe. BEcauSE of THis YouR TIme IS
UNFoRTUnaTEly liMITing ItselF AnD bRObel IS FLiRTing with AN unTImeLY deATh.
keep GUessiNG...

-the unprofessionalkidnapper

3.14.07 I Got You Sucka!

The jig is up! I've identified the napper. It's none other than Freeway. Innocence is merely a front. To think, I invited and embraced him at the Aspen party and he betray's me like this. This photo clearly shows how he's fully plotting the theft of my prize. He must be brought to justice.

3.13.07 Recent Photo from Napper...Brobel is ok

A Photo showing the Brobel is ok...and riding a Quality Conscience Skateboard product.You Bastards! At least he appears to be in tact.....and riding a quality skateboard made by the good  folks over at Conscience Skateboards. There still at it though. They've denied my guess that it was Harry and Ariel. Guys, Im' sorry, I know you wouldn't do this to was all those solid Big Lebowski quotes that the napper used, I swear. There are a few other prime suspects, however....and they will be caught and brought to justice!

I've deduced this thus far:

- This person has horrible handwritting. Perhaps even writing with their left.
- This person suffers from hate.
- This person is savvy in the world of computers and setting up email accounts
- This person sucks.
- This person has blue painted walls and poor lighting conditions.
- This person has internet access.
- This person has a digital camera.
- This person is jealous.
- This person could never be a Brobel winner.
- This person has problems with their caps lock button.
- This person is a fan of the big lebowski, thus this person can't be all that
  bad of a person.
- The bartender claimed the thief had dark hair.                                                                                        - The thief does not practice noseslides on a skateboard and they rock green krux trucks.            - This act screams Mentor. Only a Mentor carries this certain degree of evil creativity.

Today's message from the nappers...

<> -----
    Date: Tue, 13 Mar 2007 07:23:37 +0000
    From: Unprofessional Kidnapper <>
Reply-To: Unprofessional Kidnapper <>
 Subject: Brobel Prize Trophey Ransom Clue #1

SInCe YoU HavE DeciDEd To PlaY My gaMe...HEre iS How ITs GonNa WorK.
I WIll SeNd YoU a PiCturE OnE aT a TIme GivinG YoU cluEs AS tO WhO I aM, YoU
wiLL ContinuE GueSsinG...WHen YoU FiNaLLy GueSs CoRrectly, YoU WiLL GeT YouR
BeloVeD DoLL BaCK...

GuEss NuMbEr oNe WaS IncorRect, AlThouGH YoU WeRE CoRRect THat I Do NOt WOrK
AloNE...BeHiND EvEry SmArt MAn ThErE iS A sMarT WoMEn.

CLue #1 aTtaCheD.

P.S. I NoW uNDerStAnd tHe VoTinG ProCeduRe FoR YouR UntimLey WiN, Too BaD
FOr YoU...I WaSnT aWaRe Of THIs At tHe TImE of ThE naPPinG....sO LetS HaVE
soME FuN.

3.12.07 The Brobel Prize Napping

Recent Photo of the BroI thank you all for joining us at the 2007 Aspen Party. There were some great outfits and some even better times. That said, it saddens me to advise you that there was a kidnapper among us. That's right, after I so graciously accepted this year's Brobel Prize, it was viciously stolen from the premisis. Beyond that, the napper has been holding him at ransom as they didn't feel I was a worthy fit for the most prestigous award. If you have any information on the whereabouts of this major award, please contact us immediately.                                                                                                                              Can you believe this shit? I have the brobel in my hands for about two hours and someone takes him hostage. There was a note left at the bar advising that I unfairly won the bro due to it being my party. I don't recall there ever being any rules on this, but someone is  declaring shenanigans on the whole event. Now I'm being taunted about his whereabouts. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't
think. This would have never happened under the reighn of Adam Haussman.

I've got to tell you, being the brobel winner isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Not only did I puke at the bar immediately following the acceptance of this major award, I've also lost my shotski, the killer Pabst sign that Phil so graciously gave me and have suffered a splitting  headache for over 24 hours. If you're familiar with ski terms, you'll agree that my current state is comparable to that of a "yard sale". My shit scattered and lost everywhere and my face being mashed into the snow.

A recent email from the napper....

----- Forwarded message from Unprofessional Kidnapper
<> -----
    Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2007 04:20:51 +0000
    From: Unprofessional Kidnapper <>
Reply-To: Unprofessional Kidnapper <>
 Subject: Brobel Prize Trophey Ransom #1

iF YoU HaVEnT ALreaDy ReAliZeD, THe BroBEL PRiZe TRopHey IS Now iN My
PoSseSion.  DOnt WoRry He is SafE anD WilL bE TakEN GooD CAre OF If YoU PlaY
mY gAMe. ThE RulES aRE As FoLlows.....

1.) YoU MuSt ResPonD To ALL EmaiL CorReSpoNdaNcE iN a TimEly FaShiOn.

2.) YoU MusT ProViDe a GUesS aS To WhO I Am In EveRY EMaiL SeNT.

3.) No FUnNy BuSinesS...ThaT inCluDEs No RinGers (the "whites" man...)

The unprofessionalkidnapper. see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass! do you see what

3.6.07 Propaganda

This shit is hi-larious. My pal, Ania, came across this on her way to brunch the other morning in NY and reported back with a brilliant photo. To think, someone either A. took the time to hunt down random shit piles laying on the sidewalk and insert a lil bush flag or B. went around the city peppering pre-made poop loafs ornamented with barbie sized bush flags in them. Where do some people find the time? I'm proud of myself if I remember to mark my territory by splatting a Retox Center sticker somewhere I've been. It's all about the details. Details.  

3.3.07 They Won't Make the Playoffs Because the 2007 Brewers Lack The Most Important Feature Necessary for a Baseball Team to be Successful in Milwaukee

They lack the one thing the Brewers teams of the 1980s had in spades.

The 2007 Brewers lack mustaches.

The 1980s, of course, were the Golden Age of Baseball Mustaches, and the Brewers led the charge. Now those were some mustaches you could set your watch to. The 1982 team was particularly loaded with stachitude -- all the team's stars featured unruly facial hair, save for Paul Molitor, who presumably kept his upper lip clean to facilitate his cocaine use -- and that team is widely considered one of the best teams ever to lose the World Series.

3.1.07 Aspen Party being held on 3.10.07 at the Lodge

2.15.07 Smut & Eggs R.I.P.

Horrible, horrible news. We've all shared some grand times at this local greasy spoon enjoying both a Smut Muffin & Ron Jeremy on screen. A complete and total shame. "It can be hard to be a shot and a beer guy in a wine and cheese town. But when the former are gone, they'll leave a hole."

2.2.07 Bert is Back

Fuck yeah! Oh yeah, in other news, I guess there is a super bowl on tomorrow too....


Nursing Home Heaven

I know Weekly World News isn't the most reliable of sources, but this shit's great. If it's in the newspaper, it must be real, right?